I am sitting here by my window with my diffuser turned on as I am listening to Halsey’s “Without Me.” I am hoping that inspiration to write this Perspectives Newsletter comes to me. All I keep thinking about is how hypersexuality after rape is rarely researched and even more rarely discussed. I understand why. No one wants to be called a slut after enduring rape especially when the namecalling is triggering as fuck. Then my thoughts shift to being 18 years old and having already gone through rape a number of times. These incidents happened during my sexual development years. These experiences shaped my sexuality, my relationships, my fertility, my mentality, my emotions, and my soul. Every aspect of my life has been impacted, why would you think that my sexuality wasn’t?
When I first started the movement, I never thought I would ever open up about hypersexuality and sexual addiction. Now, I sit here, and just like everything else that I’ve come up against, I realize that a major part of my responsibility as a leader is to authentically open up about this part of my struggle with (C)PTSD. I’m naturally the rebel, the system challenger, the bold one, the progressive. I have never feared judgment or criticism. To be honest, I thrive on it. I believe this is why MSTM is so cutting-edge in the political arena and often becomes the topic of social media conversations. I enjoy having this reputation because it aligns with our organizational values as well as my personal ethics.
That’s really unheard of in politics. It’s because we’ve been conditioned to accept a politics built on public image vs. authenticity. I’d rather be remembered for being authentic because authenticity is ultimately what leads to change. In the same way that art and fashion are precursors to political change. I have often been personally attacked and criticized for my use of fashion and art to send political messages. I am often pictured wearing corsets. Whether it’s under a blazer for Federal Court or in a photo shoot. It has political and personal value to me. In the 1700s corsets were available to rich and powerful women. They often put their corsets over their dresses in a demonstration of power. Move on to the mid-1800s where Amelia Bloomer, was a suffragist who used fashion to advance women’s rights. She was one of the first women to wear pants.
The use of a corset combined with legging dress pants is to send a political message that the rise of women and feminine power is happening now. It is a subliminal message that many don’t understand. As I said earlier, fashion and art are always the areas where boundaries are pushed before electoral politics catches up and changes. As a CEO, leading a political organization, why would I be regular and follow the patriarch’s idea of a CEO, by the way, their idea of a CEO is a white man. We are in 2020, and Jane Fraser’s finally making history as the first woman CEO of a major Wall St Firm. By the way, I pushed for that while I worked at the firm and led internal protests to ensure that women and minorities in my prior firm were given the opportunities they deserved.
Now, that you have all of that background on me, let me explain, my sexuality at length. When I experienced sexual violence, my brain went haywire. The emotional pain was so severe that my self-worth collapsed. The prolonged stress caused my serotonin levels in my brain to drop significantly. This is what leads to PTSD symptoms. When the symptoms flare up, the flashbacks and the nightmares are horrific especially when you are not on medication to increase your serotonin levels. Just like individuals who cope by abusing substances or perhaps becoming addicted to alcohol or illicit drugs. Sometimes survivors cope by becoming hypersexual or becoming addicted to sex. I have a lot of the first-hand experience in this arena. I’ve learned the lessons that many of you message the movement asking. One of those thematic questions is how do you master your sexuality?
I’ve fucked up a lot along the way. I’ll give you insight into my sex life right now, so you can fully understand. My sex life is all about turning my trauma into power. When I get flashbacks or nightmares or I feel anxiety or depression, I begin to deeply crave an orgasm. It is because the cocktail of chemicals that my brain releases helps me to feel normal for a few hours until they wear off. It’s basically chasing a serotonin high. The release of brain chemicals helps my wellbeing and like any reward system, climaxing definitely makes life better! LOL! If you have PTSD, substances maybe your vice of choice but for me, sex and the powerplay that comes with it; is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I just fucking love it. During sex, you can turn feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness into hope and power. The way that I cope with having PTSD even on medication is very much through sex. This is the reason why our advertising and awareness campaigns have sexual overtones. No other organization authentically story tells the way we do. What is apart of my personal story is also the movement’s story.
I have had this on and off again long term sexting partner for years. He knows what I like, what my boundaries are, what I’m concerned about, what I like, and what my fantasies are. I’ve cut him off when I get into a relationship, get involved, or feel like the attachment is becoming unhealthy for me. Then I’ll recircle back to him because our sexting game is fire AF. I, personally enjoy monogamy and I feel safe and comfortable with him in regards to being sexual so even as I date, I have my safety net and my sexuality addressed. Obviously, given what I have been through in my life, I am super careful about sex especially with where I am in my life. I wonder and explore new men once in a while but I have yet to meet the guy that meets all of my criteria. I’m tired of relationships that don’t meet my standards. I’d rather be single but having random sexual hookups doesn’t feel good for my soul or my soul’s wellbeing.
Having what I like to call “dick inspiration” is very helpful because sex is the driving force in all of my decisions. Let me explain what my thoughts look like:
“I’m totally craving a sandwich. Eating processed meats is unhealthy for my fertility and for pregnancy. I’ll order an egg sandwich or something without processed meats.”
“I’m 30 and I have to exercise and take care of myself. I have a history of miscarrying. I need to reduce my stress. I need to meditate.”
“I had horrible nightmares last night and I barely slept. I am feeling severe anxiety. I need to take my medication and if that doesn’t work after an hour, I am going to masturbate or smoke weed.”
“I’m ovulating and my biological clock is ticking strong AF. I’ve miscarried before and fucking the wrong dude is a horrible decision. Fucking could lead to a child. I’m not fucking a dude who isn’t good to me and isn’t prepared to be a good father. I’m horny AF right now.”
“I dream of a future with kids. I have to really like their dad and he needs to love me and them. He has to be protective of us. I have to wait until I find this man. That’s the one I can fuck.”
“I have fucking suffered having PTSD. I have suffered going through MST. I deserve a life of luxury and a sex life that satisfies me.”
“I just have to wait for the right dude. Let me at least sext, because I need an orgasm.”
This gives you insight that my sex drive is the dominant force in my decision making. When I don’t have sex, I want to fight. The pent-up energy turns into frustration. Now, combine that with the fact that I have miscarried twice, and its due to PTSD. The pain of losing a baby, while having a PTSD episode, the postpartum depression, and being terrified of men after going through an abusive marriage along with all the other trauma. The pain of my sexual trauma that is impacting my fertility and the fact that I wanted nothing to do with men and dating. All of that pent up energy turned in to fighting energy. My fight instinct developed so strongly, that I started MSTM. Then went on to lead a protest at the Commandant of the United States Marine Corps. House at 8th and I. Where I let all of my trauma out. I yelled and cursed out the Commandant. I’ll save the remainder of this story for another day. You get the gist, after losing 2 babies due to PTSD due to MST, best believe the mama bear in me was going to go after the predatory organization that led to the deaths of my cubs. I was going to bring the problem to their doorstep. When my fight instinct turned on, there is no fear in the world that will stop me from fighting. MSTM is my memorial for both of my babies. The babies I lost. The babies I cry over. No one deserves to suffer, the way I have. Fighting with everything I have in me, is what the Marine Corps taught me to be. They probably just never thought I would one day have the strength to turn it on them.
Fighting back politically also means fighting the culture and ideologies that tie into rape and these stereotypical ideals of what a survivor looks like. I’ll never be a nun or a conservative woman. I have no desire to be that, not even for a role play. What you see in MSTM’s advertising are the role plays and fantasies that I like to play out. I love role plays that involve power and submission. I like to make powerful political statements using sexual undertones and overtones to demonstrate the marriage between politics and sex. This is how I turn my pain into power. I use provocative content to ignite conversations that others are too scared to have. My sex drive is also the force behind why I am willing to take on risks that others would not. While most women CEOs follow that male protocol to rise to the top, I'm the opposite. I like breaking barriers and I enjoy my sex life while doing it. It’s really a win-win for me. My pain is now both powerful and pleasurable for me while being influential and shifting society’s narrative about women, sex, modesty, and owning women’s bodies. Hypersexuality is part of my personal identity and it is far under-represented in the media and in organizations that represent survivors. While there are survivors who fall on the other side of the spectrum, hypersexuality is the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. Hence, your girl right here got you!